Trigger warning: Rape
Happy New Year Eve to those who are celebrating. It’s been an eventful start to my day already. I woke up shaky at the thought of 11 years ago today. The New Year is usually a time for celebration and resolutions. And heavily linked to alcohol. Mine was definitely your typical one. Went to a “party” with a friend I had known for a long time. She said “there’s a party at my mans friends house you should come, there will be alcohol and you need to have some fun.” I had gone through a break up recently and she was right. I wanted to go have a good time. When I got there the “party” was her, her man, and her mans friend. I didn’t think to much of it other than this is a lame party. We all started drinking and having a decently good time. I wanted to watch the ball drop so we all went upstairs. The guy didn’t have good signal I guess. The friend I had come for snuck away with her boyfriend and I was left alone with a stranger i had met only a few hours ago. I remember laying down in the bed and that’s the last I remembered for a very long time.
Isn’t it crazy the lengths our brain goes to trying to protect us? The whole rest of the night gone. Didn’t even remember the next day. I still actually don’t remember getting home. Anyhow I started a healing journey a few years ago. I was walking with a friend reminiscing on old times. That night came up and it was as if my brain said ok you’re ready and pieces of images started flooding my brain. I was actually confused at first. Where did this come from? Did I just imagine this? And of course the guilt as if it was my fault because I was drinking. Remember no means no and no response still means no.
Since then the day has made me feel quite literally gross. Today started out that way too. However, I’m more healed then I’ve ever been. Yes this horrific thing happened but it doesn’t define who I am. It doesn’t take away from my present and my future. It is only a small piece of my journey.
We can continue to move forward. Maybe not forget but forgive ourselves, know that we are stronger now because of it. Keep going.
The story is powerful and relatable. Thank you for sharing. Do you sometimes wish life was different? Like a different approach to that night?
Thank you! I would be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about the what ifs, But I’m trying really hard to not get stuck in the past. Remembering its just a part of my journey.